Desperate

I have been kind of sick for over two months. It was bad, and then it got better. It has been liveable for most of those two months. In the past couple days, it got bad again. Bad enough to miss work for a day and a half. Now I’m on the upswing, but it’s still frustrating. Mostly because the past few days have been a body-draining sick feeling. The kind where your muscles just seem to give out on you.

I am seriously desperate to lose weight. And I haven’t been able to work out in almost a week now. That SUCKS. On the plus side, although I’ve been sedentary for the past couple days, I haven’t had much of an appetite. So it’s not like I’m sitting on the couch doing nothing but shovelling calories into my face.

But still… It’s not enough. David convinced me to put off starting up the South Beach diet until after Thailand. He claims that will be easier than having to restart it after Thailand (I don’t think there’s any way to be on it in Thailand). I’ve been trying to focus on calories and portion control. It doesn’t always work. Especially at restaurants. I’m really bad about restaurants. But now I know that, so I can take steps to correct that problem.

I realized a couple weeks ago that I am not the same person I used to be. I would rather sit at home in sweats under a blanket. Why? Because going out in public means that people are going to see me. I have to put on clothes and attempt to make myself presentable. This is a big deal to me because I rarely decide I look good in an outfit. Lately it’s just been all about “good enough” or “passable” or “this makes me look and feel the least fat.”

That is not how I used to be! I used to love dressing up and buying fun clothes and going out and being around people! Now I find that all the clothes I buy somewhat resemble this:

Not a good thing.

I also don’t like being in pictures anymore. It’s like I know that I’m going to look awful. And sometimes, even when I feel confident and pretty, I look at the picture and think “Yikes! I’m even fatter than I thought!” That’s the worst feeling.

Sometimes I wonder how big I really am. I’ll look in the mirror and see “overweight, but not terrible.” Then I’ll look at a picture and see “obese, overstuffed sausage bursting at the seams.” And I’ll wonder when I crossed that OBESE line.

Bottom line, is that I am NOT comfortable any more. And I guess that is the best motivation to really get some work done. Now if only my body would cooperate and let me breathe freely, I could DO just that!

Sorry to anyone who wasted their time reading this self absorbed crap. I just really needed to get that out.

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3 Responses to “Desperate”

  1. WD Says:

    I don’t want to post my thoughts here, but I do feel obligated to say what I think. Anytime you want to know what I think, just ask. I don’t want to embarrass you. 🙂

  2. cristina Says:

    well, its your blog. so you can be as self absorbed as you want. I often have dreams that i find a photo or film of myself from the present that shows me bigger than i used to be, and i get mad at everyone for not telling me that i have gained all my weight back. so first, you should know you don’t look bigger or “passable.”
    what worries me is how often you feel sick and how you feel like you can’t do anything. two years ago (actually almost exactly), i got really sick. i never get sick, and there it was; chills, fever, no appetite, everything. i left work after being there for a half hour, and spent the next 24 hours sleeping, crying, staring at whatever was on tv. my dad called late in the second day and said it sounded like i have the flu. “no way,” i said, “i feel like i am going to die, not that i want to die.” he was coming over to bring me some meds, and i decided i was going to get up and take a hot shower. it was super super cold that week – like this coming weekend. but the sun was shining in full force. i decided after he left i was going to go for a walk. i would try just walking to the corner and back or around the block. i ended up walking over three miles. it just felt good to get out of the house i was in for the last 24 hours and feel fresh air (even through layers of wool). it felt good to see and feel the sun. that’s the nice thing about walking. as long as you have full use of your limbs and lungs, its the best exercise. you can control the pace, the distance, and assuming you are wearing shoes there is little risk of injury. it gets your systems going, and cardiovascular exercise is linked to immune system functioning and mental health. so you can take it easy and still do something. i know telling yourself that and doing it are two different things, but feeling bad because you are sitting on the couch again isn’t going to help either. just give it a shot sometime. maybe not this weekend, but next time.

  3. lisa Says:

    oh honey…as i read this post it was like i wrote it. i’m so with you on the desperate component…and dressing. I too used to love dressing for work with all my favorite clothes, and lately (like the last 3 months) i’m finding the things that i just fit into – they all look frumpy…anyway i’m babbling but maybe we should work together on this – then that’s one more person for you and somebody for me in it together!!

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