I have been kind of sick for over two months. It was bad, and then it got better. It has been liveable for most of those two months. In the past couple days, it got bad again. Bad enough to miss work for a day and a half. Now I’m on the upswing, but it’s still frustrating. Mostly because the past few days have been a body-draining sick feeling. The kind where your muscles just seem to give out on you.
I am seriously desperate to lose weight. And I haven’t been able to work out in almost a week now. That SUCKS. On the plus side, although I’ve been sedentary for the past couple days, I haven’t had much of an appetite. So it’s not like I’m sitting on the couch doing nothing but shovelling calories into my face.
But still… It’s not enough. David convinced me to put off starting up the South Beach diet until after Thailand. He claims that will be easier than having to restart it after Thailand (I don’t think there’s any way to be on it in Thailand). I’ve been trying to focus on calories and portion control. It doesn’t always work. Especially at restaurants. I’m really bad about restaurants. But now I know that, so I can take steps to correct that problem.
I realized a couple weeks ago that I am not the same person I used to be. I would rather sit at home in sweats under a blanket. Why? Because going out in public means that people are going to see me. I have to put on clothes and attempt to make myself presentable. This is a big deal to me because I rarely decide I look good in an outfit. Lately it’s just been all about “good enough” or “passable” or “this makes me look and feel the least fat.”
That is not how I used to be! I used to love dressing up and buying fun clothes and going out and being around people! Now I find that all the clothes I buy somewhat resemble this:
Not a good thing.
I also don’t like being in pictures anymore. It’s like I know that I’m going to look awful. And sometimes, even when I feel confident and pretty, I look at the picture and think “Yikes! I’m even fatter than I thought!” That’s the worst feeling.
Sometimes I wonder how big I really am. I’ll look in the mirror and see “overweight, but not terrible.” Then I’ll look at a picture and see “obese, overstuffed sausage bursting at the seams.” And I’ll wonder when I crossed that OBESE line.
Bottom line, is that I am NOT comfortable any more. And I guess that is the best motivation to really get some work done. Now if only my body would cooperate and let me breathe freely, I could DO just that!
Sorry to anyone who wasted their time reading this self absorbed crap. I just really needed to get that out.