Me Me Me

I’m feeling very wedding plan-y today and I don’t really know why.

I read a post on a wedding blog, and suddenly realized something. Weddings are SO self-centered. How do you plan a wedding without being all ME ME ME!!!!?? I can be vain, and certainly enjoy being the center of attention, but it’s weirding me out to think about planning a giant party to honor ME. Well, me and my groom of course, but US.

I think that’s why, when I think about what I want, it focuses on the guests. I mean, of course I want to look outrageously beautiful, but I really want my guests to eat great food and to have a blast. I know, that’s what everyone wants, right?

That seems to be the “problem,” because if I cared less about my guests, I could put them in some cheap place and serve them crappy food, and spend more money on ME. I don’t want to do that. That is most definitely not ME.

Would I give my pinky finger for an amazing designer gown? Yes, probably. But I’d rather take that $4,000 (or more…) and be able to invite an extra 50 of my friends and family.

Unfortunately, a $4,000 dress sounds just as unreasonable as our 200 person guest list right now. We’re doing well in paying off our debt, but we won’t be debt free for almost a year. And then we’ll only have a very small savings. If any. We were planning on Disney World for David’s golden 27th birthday next year. But his sister wants us to come to Europe with their mom in a couple years. I’d love to do these things, but then how will I afford the kind of wedding that I want?

I do not want a location that looks like a gymnasium or an 80’s prom hall. But I don’t need the Calatrava/Art Museum (though I’ll tell you, I WANT IT). To me, a wedding has always been about all your friends and family and loved ones being in the same room to celebrate and wish you love and luck in the start of a new chapter of your life. For me to take a chainsaw to the guestlist would be so painful. So how do I throw a nice reception for THAT many people? I guess that is the question I will be trying to answer.

My parents aren’t exactly throwing money at me. And not that they should! I am thinking of approaching them with a plan… maybe they could match everything I save? Even half of each dollar would be such a huge help.

My parents divorce could, and should, be it’s own entry. It’s final now. And they seem so much happier and alive. But let me tell you, having your father take you to lunch to tell you that he’s moving out, just a few weeks after your engagement is HARD. It hurt. It completely shook everything I’ve ever believed. I’m still dealing with it. My parents were married for almost 25 years! And the vast majority of those years were happy. They were happy.

So not only did my dad often tell me how much he thought marriage was pointless and weddings were stupid, but I had constant doubt. Am I doing the right thing?! Will we still feel this in love after 25 years?  I guess nobody REALLY knows those answers, but I finally figured out that my answers are YES! I am madly in love, and I can’t imagine that ever going away. And to me, that’s as close to a sure thing as I can get.

My mom bought my sister and I each a set of Waterford Crystal Toasting Flutes. She saw them at work (Boston Store) and bought them. While the pair she got for me are just a tad over the top, the fact that she thought about me, and David, and our MARRIAGE was amazing to me. I almost cried.

So now I finally feel like I can talk to my mom about the wedding. I always felt like I had to avoid the subject. But she gets along with David really well now, and with that gift, I feel like she’s opened the lines of communication back up.

What I’m really excited about is that I think I’ve found a church. I don’t have many ideas about the ceremony. I want it personal and romantic. I’ve always pictured outside. But I never tossed out the idea of a church. Though we did toss out my mom’s Catholic church hopes. I was raised Catholic, but haven’t felt like I fit there lately. Religion has become too politicized, and that’s unfortunate. Religion is not connected to politics in my mind, but I just feel uncomfortable when I walk into my Catholic church and see tables full of anti-choice and anti-homosexuality books in the back. I believe God loves all of us. I really do like Catholic Mass, but I can’t do it every week. And so often it’s just depressing! And makes me feel guilty.

But I think I’ve found a church that practices what it preaches. And it’s preaching is not preachy, it’s practical. I still feel a strong sense of God and Jesus in the building and their service filled me with hope and strength and motivation to go out and be a GOOD person. David and I are now seriously thinking of joining Plymouth Church, part of the United Church of Christ. Their slogan alone is enough for David: “Our Faith is 2000 Years Old. Our Thinking is Not.” I love it!

Sitting in church a couple weeks ago was fantastic. I felt at home. And I could see us getting married there. Being raised religious, having a little God talk in the marriage ceremony is important to me. But I had to make sure David could handle it, as he was basically raised as an atheist! He likes this church and that makes me so happy! The people there sure do help. An older couple talked to us for 5 minutes after the service because they figured we were new. They talked about how much they love the church and went and got us a “welcome” package and made sure we knew about the coffee and tea gathering going on in another room.

I don’t think we’re doing anything this Sunday morning. I really want to go again.

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8 Responses to “Me Me Me”

  1. Erin Says:

    I’m sorry about your parents’ divorce. I don’t think I knew it was quite so recent. Was it a mutual decision or did it come from one party? Was it completely out of the blue for you? That must have been really hard.

    That’s the big difference with us. My parents, too, were married for nearly 25 years, but they were never a really happy married couple. Their divorce was a long, long time coming. It didn’t take me by surprise, and I really am happy knowing they’re both SO much happier now.

    I never really understand people who fear marriage just because their parents or other people they know had a bad marriage. It’s the chance you take, and just because other people fail at it, doesn’t mean you will!

    That’s sweet that your mom got you toasting flutes. 🙂

  2. Ginesa Says:

    My parents also got divorced, though it was later in life – I was in college when they finally did it. They were married for 27 years by the time they split up. My dad is happily remarried, and although it took me some time, I think his wife is wonderful. My mom is happily single. Marriage is definitely something that’s difficult for me to talk about with them, but that’s just me.

    As for weddings – DH & I paid for our wedding ourselves as well, and we did it on a hella budget (under $7K once everything was said & done). I used a ton of cost-saving tips and techniques to do it, and I loved the day. We even splurged and had cocktail hour and appetizers in addition to free wine/beer we had planned on. In any case – yes, the day is all about you and your groom, and you should try to do things the way you want to do them. It’s not easy, but I’m sure you’ll figure it out!

  3. Sierra Says:

    You’ll figure out what you want. It doesn’t need to be anything big and elaborate either. I’ve been to some FUN and casual weddings that were so fitting for the bride and groom. Good luck with it!

  4. tashamort Says:

    Thanks for the encouragement ladies! Sometimes it all just seems too overwhelming to think about. Which is probably a big part of why we haven’t actually planned anything yet.

    And Erin, it was almost out of nowhere for me. I knew things weren’t as great as they had been, but I NEVER thought that they’d get a divorce. When my dad told me he moved out, I thought they’d work it out and get back together. It wasn’t soley his decision, but it wasn’t totally mutual either.

    The reason I was scared about marriage for a while was because suddenly divorce was REAL. No one in my family had ever been divorced. I wanted to grow up and have a family just like I had and have a life like my parents. Suddenly I was confronted by the cold hard truth that somehow their life wasn’t a happy life anymore. That’s why I had so much trouble. Suddenly my model marriage had collapsed.

  5. julia Says:

    Keep your head on straight during planning, and focus on your guests who are dropping mad dough and spending their time on your wedding. If you keep that in mind, your day will be fabulous [the ME stuff will fall into place just fine.]

    Yay for toasting flutes!

  6. Mishy Says:

    i think it’s extremely mature of you to have the thoughts you do re: marriage. you’re right in that, no one knows what 25 yrs of marriage will bring. hell, no one knows what 10, or even 5 will bring. marriage is not something that should be taken lightly, divorce sucks and are usually painful on not only the couple going through it, but everyone surrounding that couple. i am always amazed by couples celebrating 25+ years of marriage. it can be hard work at times.

    no one can tell you what the future brings, that’s all a part of living your life. it wouldn’t be as fun already knowing. the experience is what makes you, you. sounds to me like you’ll be just fine.

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  8. Clinging « Trashy Talk Says:

    […] I went back to “my” church on Sunday. I almost can’t get over how friendly people are there. We had two random adorable […]

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